Everwood - episode "deer god" / "Les chemins de la vie" script vo

 

Deer God

Original Air Date: October 14, 2002
© Courtesy of EverwoodScripts. Transcribed by Quinton and Gaby


NARRATOR: The Everwood Pinecone. It has been a daily press since May 21st, 1985. The day Mr. R. F. Davenport brought, what was even then, an antique printing press, hellbent on single-handedly spreading whatever small town news there was, each and every day. Everyone thought he was crazy but 5,999 issues later, he hasn't missed a single delivery. The Everwood Pinecone. Everwood's own bastion of journalistic integrity and chowder recipes.

[Cut to the Brown family returning home at night.]

DR. BROWN: C'mon, kiddo. It's time for bed.

[Ephram picks up the paper lying on the footpath.]

EPHRAM: Y'know I think I know what it means to miss New York. And then I read the Pinecone. You know the Mighty Giants are playing Central Park in two hours?

DR. BROWN: [carrying a sleeping Delia] I don't think you're gonna make it.

EPHRAM: That's alright. I can stay here and enjoy [reading from the paper] free skate sharpening at Walter's Ice and Laundry Rink.

[They notice their front door is slightly open. The house is dark inside.]

EPHRAM: You think somebody's inside?

DR. BROWN: Take her. I'll check it out.

[Dr. Brown walks into the house and turns on the light.]

DR. BROWN: Hello! Anybody here?

[He walks around the house which looks like it has been turned upside-down and grabs an umbrella as a weapon. Some items drop to the floor and Dr. Brown takes a closer inspection, revealing a deer standing in their kitchen. Ephram is now inside and tries to get closer to it.]

DR. BROWN: Stay back. It might have a gun.

{OPENING CREDITS}

{COMMERCIAL BREAK}

[Cut to the Brown's kitchen. Morning. Delia is sitting down to breakfast with her father who is making his coffee.]

DELIA: You forgot to buy milk.

[Dr. Brown reaches into the icebox and pulls out some ice-cream.]

DR. BROWN: In folly comes inspiration.

[Nina knocks on the door and enters.]

NINA: Good morning.

DR. BROWN: Hey, Nina.

NINA: [holding a plate] Cookies. Made a big batch last night, a little too big for Sam, so [to Delia] you luck out.

DR. BROWN: You can't have cookies for breakfast.

DELIA: You're having ice cream.

DR. BROWN: You make a strong point.

NINA: Did ah, did you notice a small deer on your front porch?

DR. BROWN: It took two hours and four broken lamps just to get it out of the house. I consider the porch a victory.

[He steps out on to the porch to see if the deer is still there.]

DR. BROWN: What is this? A sit in? Go on, scat! Shoo! [New York accent] Get outta here!

[Ephram walks into the kitchen.]

EPHRAM: You see him?

NINA: You mean, her. No antlers.

EPHRAM: Deer have antlers?

NINA: Mm hmm. Poor thing. Most of the pussy toes and the skunk bush die off in the early Winters, so they have to come down to the lower altitudes for food. They usually don't make it this far into town, but it happens.

EPHRAM: Well, perhaps we should reward her ambition. Call Animal Control?

NINA: Oh I, I wouldn't bother. They usually wander back on their own.

DR. BROWN: Well, till then, it's welcome to our garbage [to Ephram] which you are welcome to take out.

[Nina tries to pour herself a cup of juice but it's empty.]

DELIA: You forgot to buy juice, too.

DR. BROWN: Eat your cookie!

[Ephram takes the garbage out to the porch and notices the deer.]

EPHRAM: Hey there. A little lost? Tell me about it.

[He approaches her and takes a piece of bread out of the garbage for her. She eats it.]

EPHRAM: Want some more?

[He reaches in the bag to get more food for her.]

[Cut to Everwood Elementary, then to Miss Violet's classroom. Delia's painting pinecones. Magilla is on her right and sneezes.]

DELIA: God bless you.

MAGILLA: Why would you say that?

DELIA: You sneezed.

MAGILLA: So. I don't believe in God.

DELIA: What do you mean you don't believe in God? Everyone believes in him.

MAGILLA: It's like Santa. They just tell kids about God to get them to go to bed on time or stop picking their scabs.

DELIA: Then who made everything?

MAGILLA: I don't know, but not God. He isn't real.

DELIA: Well I believe in him.

MAGILLA: Oh, yeah? Where is he?

DELIA: Everywhere... Heaven.

MAGILLA: Prove it. If there's a God, why doesn't he knock this cup over.

[Another boy, named Arnie, joins the conversation.]

ARNIE: My dad said you can't prove there's a God. You just have to have faith.

MAGILLA: Oh, yeah? Your dad's poor. There's no God and that's it.

ARNIE: YES, THERE IS!

MAGILLA: NO, THERE ISN'T!

MISS VIOLET: Ah ah ah, stop it you two! Arnie, go sit with the girls. There's a fresh pot of the orange paint you like to eat. Delia, are you starting fights again?

DELIA: I just had a question... about God.

MISS VIOLET: What's the question, Delia?

DELIA: How do you prove there's a God?

MISS VIOLET: Well... seeing as how we're approaching the Hanukah, let's say your people believe in God because of the oil.

DELIA: The what?

MISS VIOLET: Way back in something-something before Christ, who your people don't believe in anyway, the Hebrews were chased out of their land... again. But when they got back, there was only enough oil to light their lamp for one day. They said 'to the heck with it' and used it all up. But it turned out the oil that was only enough for one day, lasted eight whole days. Now if you don't mind, those pine bells aren't gonna glitter themselves.

[Cut to County High. Amy approaches Ephram in the hallway.]

AMY: I need to come talk to you.

EPHRAM: Ah, I don't think I'm qualified to advise anyone right now.

AMY: Oh, but this is your specialty. I need some fresh reading material, thought I'd give one of your comics a whirl.

EPRHAM: I thought girls liked beauty magazines and books about ponies.

AMY: It's for Colin. I've finished reading him 'Call of the Wild'. I need something easy on the eyes. Come on, lend me one please?

[He pulls some out.]

EPHRAM: Well... we have, an assortment of Manga imports. Although Japanese non-linear storytelling might be a bit much for him. Or the latest 'Green Lantern'. You know, traditional good triumphs over evil stuff.

[She grabs it.]

AMY: Perfect. Thank you. So, I saw you in Mrs. Whitman's office. What was that about?

EPHRAM: Oh, that? Well, apparently my serve is off.

AMY: So she noticed you broke the record, right?

[Ephram looks at Amy, stumped.]

AMY: [cont'd.] Longest period of new kid denial in the annuls of County High?

EPHRAM: I knew this town had an underbelly, but... I had no idea about the annuls.

AMY: When new kids get here, they usually spend the first few weeks treading water. No new friends, coasting through classes. Locker, strangely, undecorated. Oh, I'm not really from here, just a temporary stop until my parents' divorce settles or whatever and they can go back to their 'real' home. Usually lasts about a month but, eventually, they settle in.

EPHRAM: Not without a fight.

AMY: See you later, Ham. Thanks for the loan.

[Ephram stares back at her.]

[Cut to Dr. Abbott entering his office. Louise starts motioning to him but doesn't speak.]

DR. ABBOTT: Though your pantomime grows more eloquent by the day, Louise, let's say this morning you simply speak.

LOUISE: You're running a little late, Doctor. Mr. Yeager, he's already waiting in room two.

[He opens a letter he has waiting for him.]

DR. ABBOTT: Did you see this? It's from the Medical Board. [reads] "...pleased to inform you..."

[He perks up.]

DR. ABBOTT: I have won the Colorado State Medical Council Tri-County Service Award for Excellence and Dedication! D-Do you know what this means?

[Louise fumbles for a bit.]

DR. ABBOTT: Yeah. I've gotta tell Rose.

[He rushes out.]

LOUISE: Oh, what, but but what about Mr. Yeager?

[Dr. Abbott rushes out the door.]

DR. ABBOTT: Oh, it's a boil, Louise. Lance it, wrap it, tell him to use up the arithmomisan if it swells.

[Cut to Ephram and the Animal Control Officer. The deer is being herded into the back of the truck.

ELMER: We don't see too many of these up all the way out from Mount McConnell. This is exciting.

EPHRAM: Let me catch my breath. How do you know where she's from?

ELMER: See that mark right there?

[Elmer points to the doe's tail.]

ELMER: [cont'd.] That means she's a black tail. Only a handful of those this side of Colorado. They're all from a wildlife reserve just past the summit. She wandered a ways.

EPHRAM: Long drive back?

ELMER: Few hours. Kind of a lung-buster of a hike. Two days, maybe.

EPHRAM: I hope you packed lunch.

ELMER: I'm not taking her to McConnell. She's getting a lift as far as White River.

EPHRAM: Is that... nice?

ELMER: Oh, sure. Not much escape cover. It's real pretty.

EPHRAM: And that's a bad thing?

ELMER: It is when it's hunting season. I go up this time every year with my brother, and bag enough meat in a half hour to last all Winter. Like ducks in a barrel.

[He tries to pull the deer by the reins but Ephram firmly holds on to the other end.]

EPHRAM: Yeah. Hold on a second there, Elmer.

[Cut to Dr. Brown arriving home. He spots the deer and doesn't look pleased.]

DR. BROWN: Maybe you'd like to move on to the winter tulips.

[Cut to the kitchen. Ephram is cutting up an apple.]

DR. BROWN: Ephram, what is that outside?

EPHRAM: A doe. A deer. A female deer.

DR. BROWN: You know, all you had to do was be here when they came. Now if that's too much for your schedule...

EPHRAM: ...I was here.

DR. BROWN: And they came?

EPHRAM: Oh, yeah.

DR. BROWN: Then why is that thing still out there chewing on our lawn?

EPHRAM: Because Elmer was going to dump it on a rifle range. Practically painted a bulls-eye on its ass.

DR. BROWN: Well what are we gonna do with it? It can't stay here.

EPHRAM: I'm gonna take her home.

DR. BROWN: Say again?

EPHRAM: I'm gonna take her home.

DR. BROWN: You do realize that deer live in the woods. Up in the mountains. Outside?

EPHRAM: She's from a protective reserve a few hours from here. I've already got it mapped out, [his father begins to giggle] I'm gonna get a ride in the morning and hike overnight... WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?!?

DR. BROWN: Well for one, you don't know the first thing about hiking. And two, you don't know the first thing about hiking. Forget about it, you're not going.

EPHRAM: I am so.

[He leaves the kitchen. Dr. Brown calls after him.]

DR. BROWN: Ephram!

[Dr. Brown dumps some cookies in a plate into the trash. Delia screams.]

DELIA: NO!

DR. BROWN: What's the matter?

DELIA: You threw away the cookies. Those were for God!

DR. BROWN: For God?

DELIA: I thought if I left cookies and God ate them, it'd prove he's real.

DR. BROWN: I thought cookies were Santa.

DELIA: God could like cookies!

DR. BROWN: What's the matter sweetheart, are you OK?

DELIA: Magilla sneezed and said God wasn't real.

DR. BROWN: And you wanna prove Magilla wrong?

DELIA: Aha.

DR. BROWN: I can get behind that. How about I fix up a fresh plate for the big guy?

[Delia cheers up.]

[Cut to outside. Ephram is feeding the deer. Dr. Brown comes out.]

DR. BROWN: Look. You can't expect to shepherd a deer back to the mountains, Ephram, don't be ridiculous.

EPHRAM: She has a home out there. She just needs help getting back to it. How is that any more ridiculous than what you did?

DR. BROWN: What did I do?

EPHRAM: You moved us to Everwood because of some psychotic sense of destiny. Don't I get my turn? I don't know, maybe I'm just supposed to do this, I don't know why, maybe I just am.

[Dr. Brown looks around for a while.]

DR. BROWN: OK. Alright. But I'm going with you.

EPHRAM: No way.

DR. BROWN: You said you wanted to go.

EPHRAM: Not with you.

DR. BROWN: I'm not about to let my 15 year old, who doesn't know a pine tree from a baked potato, go exploring the tundra alone. If you wanna go, you'd better pack enough trail mix for two!

[Ephram considers.]

{COMMERCIAL BREAK}

[Cut to scenes of the wooded hills.]

NARRATOR: There isn't much good a deer can say about hunting season. Except that it only comes once a year. And maybe that it makes them appreciate the few wildlife preserves they have. Like the one your bambi came from.

[Cut to the Everwood Elementary school bus pulling up. The narrator's voice intersperses with Irv's voice.]

IRV: The safest, prettiest fawning site on Earth. Wild berries in the winter, all the thumb and clover you could hope for. But, it's not close. You've got a long day ahead of you.

EPHRAM: Four miles west. Another eight through Mountain Lion Pass, which I really wish was called Mountain Bunny Pass till we see the sign for Penny Juniper Woodland. You can't miss it, and even if you do, you'll smell it.

IRV: I, I can't say that I had either of you two pegged as the camping type.

EPHRAM: Please. I'm rugged!

DR. BROWN: You think this beard's just for show? Don't worry, Irv. I've got a pack full of food, gortex everything and a new pair of boots.

IRV: Did you say, new boots?

[Both he and Ephram give Dr. Brown a look.]

[Cut to the Abbott home.]

DR. ABBOTT: [entering] Amy! Amy!

[Amy is sitting on the couch, reading a book.]

AMY: I didn't forget, I'll rake the lawn in [scans the pages] 19 pages.

DR. ABBOTT: Never mind, your chores are temporarily suspended. I need you to write a press bio on me for the Pinecone. Davenport needs it early afternoon.

AMY: I can't. I have a chem lab due and I have to write a villanelle for poetry, which I'm going to do... right after I find out what a villanelle is. And... I have to finish early so I can have tomorrow free to see Colin in Denver. I'm sorry.

DR. ABBOTT: You know your father has just received a rather prestigious award. It wouldn't hurt your college tuition account for the patient population to be reminded of his achievements.

[Amy snatches the letter from her father.]

AMY: What award? [reading the letter] Excellence and Dedication, that's great! How were you picked?

DR. ABBOTT: Oh, it's a complicated process. Simply put, they calculate which doctors have spent the greatest number of days attending to patients, without interruption.

AMY: What? Like an attendance award?

DR. ABBOTT: I'll need to proof it first. Knowing your facility with run-ons.

AMY: Forget it. Too busy, ask Bright.

DR. ABBOTT: Oh, well then I guess you don't really want that 'double-pierce'.

[Amy does a double take.]

AMY: You're kidding.

DR. ABBOTT: On my desk. By noon. No cartilage.

[Cut back to the woods.]

DR. BROWN: I appreciate you and Edna babysitting, Irv. It'll be good for Delia to see people live in a house together without yelling.

IRV: Happy to have her. Is he really gonna do this?

DR. BROWN: Little rule for a happy life. You can't stop a Brown from doing anything. You can only insist on coming along for the ride.

IRV: Well... then we'll see you tomorrow right here.

DR. BROWN: Yeah. I'll meet you right here by this ah, what do you call this landmarky thingee?

IRV: A landmark.

DR. BROWN: Right.

[They start trekking off. Irv stops Dr. Brown.]

IRV: Hey, Doc.

[He throws a package at Dr. Brown, who catches it.]

DR. BROWN: A flare gun?

IRV: Just in case.

[Dr. Brown and Ephram start their hike. Dr. Brown stops and looks at the mountains, impressed. He smiles.]

[Cut to Edna at the clinic.]

EDNA: I understand, but the doctor is out. Waaay out! You can keep crying like that till the botox wears off but it's not gonna bring him back from the woods any sooner! Monday, that's right!

[She hangs up.]

DELIA: I like it when you yell at them.

EDNA: Me too. You holding up alright, Private?

DELIA: I'm almost finished my spelling list. Edna? Has anyone ever talked to God?

EDNA: How's that?

DELIA: God. Do people ever talk to him?

EDNA: All the time I suspect. More so in the South.

DELIA: How do you know when he answers?

EDNA: I guess when you get what you want.

DELIA: But does he ever do anything?

EDNA: How about I just tell you where babies come from?

DELIA: You don't believe in God, either?

EDNA: When I was in Camroon Bay, my second tour, the nasty one, a shell tore through the top of our tent. Landed right between six bunks. We all should've gone up messy right then. But, someone, somewhere, saw fit to make that shell a dud. It just sat there politely un-exploded. Ever since, I figure, I owe Him a lot of favors and me and God, we share a very... comfortable, don't ask, don't tell relationship.

DELIA: So you do believe in Him?

EDNA: Delia, if I take you for ice-cream, would you promise to stop asking questions?

[Delia says nothing.]

EDNA: Offer expires in four seconds. One...

[Delia quickly gets up and rushes for the door.]

EDNA: ...two, three.

[She smiles.]

[Cut to the woods. The song, "Cakewalk Into Town", by Taj Mahal is playing.]

LYRICS: I had the blues, so bad one time. It put my face in a permanent frown. Now I'm feeling so much better I can cakewalk into town.

DR. BROWN: You know, you really ought to drink something.

EPHRAM: I'm fine.

DR. BROWN: You've gotta stay hydrated. You know, it's hard to tell but at this altitude, you can lose water at a rate of at least...

EPHRAM: [interrupting] OK, OK please. Just no stats.

[He drinks.]

DR. BROWN: And zip up your coat.

EPHRAM: I'm not cold.

DR. BROWN: You will be in an hour.

EPHRAM: You know, just for the record, you don't know anything about hiking either.

DR. BROWN: Well, I know you can't drink stream water.

EPHRAM: Everybody knows that.

DR. BROWN: You know why? Giardia lamblia. A protozoan come water-borne cyst with a nasty knack for twisting up the million duodena. I also know that young Bambi, here, has four stomachs; rumen, reticulum, omasum and abomasum. You know, I always wanted there to be a fifth called aboabomasum, but there wasn't. Also, deer can run over 35 miles an hour...

EPHRAM: OK, OK you're a neurosurgeon. How do you know all this?

DR. BROWN: I read it in college.

EPHRAM: And what? You remember everything you've ever read?

DR. BROWN: Don't you?

[Ephram looks unsure whether he believes his father. He leads the deer down the hill.]

EPHRAM: [to the deer] Good girl. [to Dr. Brown] You know, I'm pretty sure the track follows the creek, check the map.

DR. BROWN: Nope, left.

EPHRAM: You sure?

DR. BROWN: I used to navigate peoples frontal lobes for a living, Ephram. I think I can follow directions.

[Ephram doesn't look so sure. He relents and follows his father anyway.]

[Cut to the Abbott home. Amy is working on a digital image of her father on the computer.]

DR. ABBOTT: I asked for more shading under the neck.

AMY: You wanted me to turn your jaws into a chin, don't abuse the digital age.

DR. ABBOTT: Has Davenport confirmed receipt?

AMY: Hours ago.

[He kisses Amy on the head.]

DR. ABBOTT: You just earned yourself an 8 percent increase in allowance. Even though you did manage to make my surgery rotation sound like a dalliance. I only wish I could be there to see the look on that nut's face when he reads this tonight.

AMY: Who? Doctor Brown? You so have a boy crush on him.

DR. ABBOTT: My issue with Dr. Brown is neither flirtation nor rivalry. It is a crusade to protect both him and this town from the potentially lethal results of his dementia. And I loathe him.

AMY: The only problem is, he won't see it. He's gone all weekend with Ephram. Won't be back till tomorrow.

DR. ABBOTT: He's... out of town?

AMY: Yeah, some weird deer quest.

DR. ABBOTT: [hiding his disappointment] Ah. Well then. That's alright. Good work. You, ah, you get back to your villanelle.

[When he sees she's otherwise preoccupied, he takes off running.]

[Cut back to the woods. The Brown men are walking down hill.]

DR. BROWN: You OK back there?

EPHRAM: Fine. You know, we've been going downhill for a while now. Shouldn't we be going more... up?

DR. BROWN: It's a gradual descent. We're right on track.

EPHRAM: She keeps looking at me funny. Like she's thinking she doesn't know where she is.

DR. BROWN: She's a wild animal. She's thinking 'hi. Are you made of food?'. Come on, keep up. We're making good time.

DR. BROWN: So, how's it going with you and Amy Abbott? I mean, are you guys still friends? You know, you can cover a lot of ground work from the friend zone.

EPHRAM: Lucky me. You remember a book you read on relationships in high school.

DR. BROWN: OK. Something more my business then, how's your schoolwork going?

EPHRAM: I guess I should be glad I made it six hours before you tried to turn this into some kind of bond fest.

DR. BROWN: Look, I'm just trying to talk to you, Ephram.

EPHRAM: Well don't, please. As a favor to me.

DR. BROWN: I breathe in to defend you, what what did I do now?

EPHRAM: Nothing. You know, y-you've been great. Hey, don't forget, zip your coat.

DR. BROWN: W-what? Are you mad it me 'cause I'm looking out for you?

EPHRAM: First you try to parent me, then you wanna be my buddy and you're not very good at either.

DR. BROWN: Well I'm just trying here, Ephram.

EPHRAM: Well don't. It's bad enough you invited yourself along for the ride. Don't embarrass us both by trying to leverage it.

DR. BROWN: You know, sometimes I think you'd like to go back to the way it was with us in New York when we never spoke.

EPHRAM: Well you have to admit, it worked pretty well. I had my own life, I could make my own decisions. Do things I wanted to from time to time.

DR. BROWN: Do what you want? I planned this trip for you!

EPHRAM: Who asked you to?

[They round a corner and notice they're right back where Irv dropped them off. Ephram looks utterly pissed.]

DR. BROWN: This looks vaguely familiar.

EPHRAM: We're right back where he left us. That's great, just great.

DR. BROWN: Well, at least we're not lost.

[Ephram begins unpacking his tent.]

DR. BROWN: Look, I'm sorry, Ephram. Why are you unpacking?

EPHRAM: I'm setting up camp. The sun's about to go down. I might as well get a fresh start in the morning.

DR. BROWN: You know, we could still make good time...

[Ephram gives him a look and Dr. Brown shuts up.]

[Cut to the office of the Everwood Pinecone. Dr. Abbott comes rushing in.]

DR. ABBOTT: Davenport, stop the presses. This, this article on my award, it can't run today.

DAVENPORT: Why not, Dr. Abbott?

DR. ABBOTT: There's been a death in the family.

DAVENPORT: Really? Whose?

DR. ABBOTT: My mother.

DAVENPORT: [laughing] You wish.

DR. ABBOTT: This piece needs to run in tomorrow's edition.

DAVENPORT: No can do. Machine's running. You have to respect the machine.

DR. ABBOTT: Yeah, well, nevertheless.

DAVENPORT: Doc. You of all people should understand. It was your idea to take my obsessive compulsive disorder and turn it into something useful. Now, thanks to you and the Pinecone, I'm a productive member of Everwood society for fifteen years. Practically saved my life.

DR. ABBOTT: Well surely with your progress you can stand to be an hour late this once.

DAVENPORT: You see that gear? That's me. I'm the gear that has to spin. And neither the serotonin reuptake inhibitors, nor the man that prescribes them, can stop that. Everyone has something they have to do. I have to put out a paper, you need your article tomorrow.

[Dr. Abbott, in a huff, sets off to leave but stops and considers something.]

DR. ABBOTT: You say you have to 'put out' the paper.

DAVENPORT: Yes, sir.

DR. ABBOTT: Do you have to deliver them?

DAVENPORT: No. But I do have to cover my costs.

[Dr. Abbott smiles.]

[Cut to Mama Joy's. Irv walks in and sees Edna sitting, reading the paper.]

IRV: Some real interactive babysitting you've got going there.

EDNA: She's fine.

IRV: Then where is she?

[Edna starts to look around.]

[Cut to Delia sitting at the counter, depressed.]

EDNA: What's she doing?

IRV: I'm not sure. But, it looks like she's been doing it for a while.

[He motions for Edna to find out.]

EDNA: Don't give me that. A babysitter's job is to make sure the kid doesn't die, that's all.

IRV: She's a kid, not a grenade.

[Edna relents and goes over.]

EDNA: Hey, private. What do you say to a movie tomorrow.

DELIA: My mom said she used to go to a synagogue to talk to God. Could we go to one?

EDNA: The nearest synagogue is two hours away. Maybe we could talk to God somewhere local, like a video store. We can rent The Chosen.

[Edna looks back at Irv. Delia still looks depressed. She's staring at a glass of water sitting on the counter.]

EDNA: Are you thirsty or something?

DELIA: It's for God. I tried to get him to eat Nina's cookie, but that didn't work. Now I'm waiting to see if he'll knock the glass over.

EDNA: Anything so far?

DELIA: I even put it close to the edge so all he had to do was knock it a little bit.

EDNA: Well, what is all this recon on God today?

DELIA: I just wanted to know about God because if there's no God, then there's no heaven.

EDNA: ...and if there's no heaven?

DELIA: Then where's my mom?

EDNA: It's getting late, Private. Time to head home.

DELIA: Five more minutes?

EDNA: Sure.

[Delia continues staring solemnly at the glass.]

{COMMERCIAL BREAK}

[Cut to the woods at night. Ephram is trying to light a fire.]

DR. BROWN: You know if you shield it from the wind...

EPHRAM: Don't! You are forbidden from dispensing advice on anything, ever! You're fired!

[He manages to light it and puts it into the stack of wood but it quickly goes out.]

DR. BROWN: If you just put a piece of...

EPHRAM: ...Fired!

DR. BROWN: Fine. You drive.

EPHRAM: Come on. Come on.

[This match lights but goes out just as quick.]

EPHRAM: AH!

[Ephram gives up, exhausted, then remembers the flare gun. He reaches for it and shoots it straight at the fire. The procedure works. Ephram looks pleased with himself.]

DR. BROWN: That's one way of doing it.

[Ephram warms himself on the fire.]

DR. BROWN: Is she OK?

EPHRAM: She will be when she's safe.

DR. BROWN: You know, you can only do so much for her, Ephram. She may wander again.

EPHRAM: I know.

DR. BROWN: You were right, you know. About me trying to control everything. I do that.

EPHRAM: No, really?

DR. BROWN: Your mom used to be the only one who could call me on it. It used to help me keep people alive. Taking charge, knowing the right thing to say all the time. It's an instinct that I cultivated for surgery that made me capable of doing things so fantastic, I can't even take credit for 'em. That same compulsion that people nurtured in me then, is what's making me... making me screw everything up now. For you, for Delia. These past few months I feel like, the only thing I've done right, is help a few strangers get better and... stop talking out loud to my dead wife.

EPHRAM: Ah, that's something.

[Cut to Edna's garage, the next day. She's working on her motorcycle.]

DELIA: What's that?

EDNA: A sidecar.

DELIA: What for?

EDNA: We're gonna go see about a rabbi.

[Delia smiles and Edna passes her some goggles.]

[Cut to the two driving to Fort Cedres, an military base. They stop and Edna walks up to the Commander.]

DELIA: Are we in the army?

EDNA: Closest Rabbi outside of a chat room. Commander Busto? I'm the retired Lieutenant Colonel you had on the horn this morning. Requesting consultation with company chaplain, Hebraic.

BUSTO: Right away, Ma'am.

[Commander Busto calls out to Chaplain Roth who approaches them.]

BUSTO: [cont'd.] Chaplain Roth, front and center! [to Edna] Sir, Jewish sky pilot, still in training.

EDNA: [in her authoritive voice] Army training or Rabbi training?

ROTH: Army training, SIR! Otherwise, fully certified at the Jewish Theological Seminary in Manhattan, New York!

EDNA: At ease! Now you listen good, Lieutenant. This young lady here has a question for you concerning your faith. What's required is a regulation Jewish answer for how you know God exists. Are you prepared to answer such a question?

ROTH: Sir, yes Sir.

EDNA: Do you intend to disappoint her?

ROTH: Sir, no Sir.

EDNA: Proceed!

[Delia lights up but soon drops her face when he starts giving his explanation.]

ROTH: Yes Sir! There are three essential proofs for the existence of an omnipotent benevolent deity, Sir! The primary is that my monodian cosmological proof in which the Aristotelian causal argument is applied. This is seconded in the madrastic law, in the story of the patriarch, Abraham, gazing at the stars. He equates the night sky to a sumptuous castle found in a field. Taking in its intricacies, one must assume the castle had a builder...

[Cut to Amy and her father at the recycling station. The car is full with newspapers. They start throwing the papers away.]

AMY: I cannot believe you brought a million papers no one reads anyway, just to make sure nobody would read them. You know you're insane, right?

DR. ABBOTT: Amy, don't diagnose your father.

AMY: OK. I'll go and see Colin tomorrow.

DR. ABBOTT: What are you reading him these days?

AMY: Jack London's Justice League.

DR. ABBOTT: Do you want me to give you a lift up there?

AMY: You don't think it's crazy? To spend all your free time reading to someone you're not even sure can hear you?

DR. ABBOTT: If you told me you'd go because you felt obligated, I'd say yes. That's fairly unhealthy. But you go because you miss him. That's all that matters. That said, it would be nice to see you go out once in a while.

AMY: I thought that was Mom's thing.

DR. ABBOTT: Your mother harps on you to go out more often because she doesn't want to see you miserable. I'm saying it because, I don't ever want to see you feel guilty for having a life. Now Colin was never so happy as when you were laughing. As far as being crazy, I won't call anyone crazy, if you won't.

[Cut to Edna and Delia. They've broken down on the side of the road. Edna is working on the engine.]

EDNA: Ah. She's been making a devil's barf full of noise the last dozen miles but I think I've got her fixed.

[Delia has her back to Edna, staring at the mountains.]

EDNA: Lost almost all our gas, though. Damn rock. Almost put a hole in the fuel line.

[She comes up behind Delia.]

EDNA: Oh, lovely stuff, isn't it?

DELIA: It's not the way I remembered a Synagogue.

EDNA: I guess not. You didn't like any of it?

DELIA: I liked it when you yelled at him.

[Edna laughs.]

EDNA: Sorry. I wish I could tell you more but, God doesn't like to give us easy answers.

DELIA: [mournfully] I'm OK.

[Edna just stares at her.]

EDNA: I worry about my Harold, too. He died two years ago. For a long time I used to wonder if he was OK. If he's... anywhere even. If he can see me. I used to make myself nuts over it. But you know what? You know what? I didn't see it till you came along. Making myself nuts was my way of knowing he's still around. Because you looking all over for God, that's your mom. That's how you know she's OK. She's in you, looking. OK, Private, let's press on.

[They put their goggles on.]

[Cut to Dr. Brown and Ephram in the woods. They've reached a clearing and are both looking tired.]

DR. BROWN: Why aren't we there yet?

EPHRAM: Because we're out of shape. How far back was Mountain Lion Pass?

DR. BROWN: Four blisters ago.

EPHRAM: New boots?

DR. BROWN: Yeah, I got it now.

[Ephram laughs.]

DR. BROWN: Wait a minute... you smell that?

EPHRAM: Nah. I don't smell anything.

DR. BROWN: The sign! We made it! You got us here.

EPHRAM: The reserve. It's up here. C'mon!

[They start running and reach the top. Ephram looks around and his face drops. The trees have all been burnt and the land is now barren.]

EPHRAM: She was supposed to be safe here. She can't survive in this.

[He takes off his bag and throws it on the ground.]

EPHRAM: Dammit!

DR. BROWN: It's OK, Ephram.

[Ephram's eyes well up.]

EPHRAM: No, it's not. Where's she gonna go now, huh? What's she gonna do now?

DR. BROWN: We'll hike a mile up, try and find another patch in the reserve.

EPHRAM: No, that isn't her home. All I wanted to do, was bring her home.

DR. BROWN: You did, Ephram. It's just gone.

EPHRAM: This is where she belongs.

DR. BROWN: She'll, she'll do what we did. She'll find a new home.

EPHRAM: Our home was in New York. Our home was with Mom.

DR. BROWN: It was. But she's gone now, we can't go back. We left New York because there was nothing left for us, anymore. Ephram, what you're hanging on to... is, [motioning to the burnt scrub] this.

EPHRAM: [crying] I just wanna go back.

DR. BROWN: I know.

[They embrace and Ephram cries on his father's shoulder.]

DR. BROWN: I know. Me too.

{COMMERCIAL BREAK}

[Back in a new area of the woods. Ephram bends down to talk to the deer.]

EPHRAM: OK, Bambi. Now I know this isn't your old home, but, looks doable to me. Then again, I used to go to school above 96th street. Anyway, there's no hunting up here. Now I'd love to tell you that everthing's gonna be OK. That's what everyone told me but, it's just not. You can stay here, or you can go back. Either way, it's gonna suck. But I figure, at least when it sucks, you know you're alive. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's OK when everything sucks, it means you're somewhere. Now, I gotta go.

[He unties her and she runs off.]

DR. BROWN: Everything OK?

EPHRAM: As good as it's gonna be.

[They start the long hike home.]

[Cut to the Everwood Elementary school bus dropping them off. They wave to Irv and head inside.]

[Cut to the both of them inside, sitting on the couch with their feet up, absolutely exhausted. Ephram looks at his father.]

EPHRAM: Dad?

DR. BROWN: Mmm?

EPHRAM: Just how out of the brain business are you?

DR. BROWN: I don't know, I haven't given it much thought. Why?

EPHRAM: You asked me how Amy's doing. She's still pretty wrapped over her boyfriend, the one in the coma. She asked me to ask you to take a look at him.

DR. BROWN: When did she ask you that?

EPHRAM: A while ago.

DR. BROWN: You're probably going to have to tell her that.

EPHRAM: Probably.

DR. BROWN: It runs in the family, I guess.

EPHRAM: What?

DR. BROWN: Trying to control everything. [a beat] Alright.

[They hear Edna's bike pull up.]

[Cut to outside.]

EDNA: Well here we are. Thank you for flying. I didn't want to worry you but we were plum out of gas back there.

DELIA: We were?

EDNA: There weren't any gas stations since we patched the fuel line. We've been riding on fumes ever since. 80 miles, new record.

DELIA: You mean the gas that was only supposed to last for a little bit, lasted for 80 miles?

EDNA: Guess so.

DELIA: Like the oil. [cheering up] It's the miracle of Hanukah!

EDNA: What?

DELIA: God was showing us. He's real!

[Delia quickly jumps out the bike with glee.]

EDNA: Whoa. Maybe you oughta keep this one under wraps.

DELIA: No way! I have to call Magilla right now. He was so wrong about God.

[She joyfully runs inside and passes her father.]

DELIA: [happy] Hi, Dad!

DR. BROWN: [to Edna] She looks miserable. Thanks for keeping an eye on her.

EDNA: She's an odd one.

DR. BROWN: I hope she wasn't too much trouble.

EDNA: Not at all. But if you ask me to baby-sit again, you'll meet God.

[They smile and Edna tries to start the bike. The engine is dead. She exhales.]

EDNA: Oh!

[Cut to the Abbotts. Night.]

DR. ABBOTT: [on the phone] Thank you, Mrs. Dillinger. Glad that you noticed. What? No no. No plans to expand the practice just yet. Have a good night.

[He hangs up. Amy walks in with some messages.]

AMY: The phone's been ringing non-stop since the paper came out. There were a bunch of four messages on the machine.

[He scans the messages. Amy smiles, then walks away.]

DR. ABBOTT: Amy. Is this all of them?

AMY: Sorry, Dad. He didn't call.

DR. ABBOTT: [innocently] I don't know what you mean. Is that my burbury scarf?

AMY: Oh, can I borrow it tonight? I'm going out with Kayla and Page. Some guy Kayla's desperate to get on is throwing his annual kegger on the golf course. At first, I didn't want to go and then I remembered how this was Colin's favorite party of the year. I can't miss that, right?

DR. ABBOTT: Sure you wouldn't rather stay home, join a convent?

AMY: I've gotta go get in the shower. Oh, can you do me a favor? Can you grab my necklace? I left it on the hall, outside the Kitchen.

[He nods. Amy takes off upstairs. Dr. Abbott walks into the hall and notices the necklace hanging on a framed copy of the paper article. The note attached to it on the outside reads "To my crazy father" and inside reads "The best doctor in 3 counties. Love Amy xoxo." Dr. Abbott smiles.]

[Cut to the Brown house. Dr. Brown puts a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and sees a plate of cookies.]

DR. BROWN: Are these for regular people, or just major deities?

DELIA: [deadpan] They're for you.

DR. BROWN: Thank you. Tell me you didn't give Edna a hard time.

DELIA: I tried not to.

DR. BROWN: Did you two find God nicely?

[Delia pops a DVD into the machine.]

DELIA: Aha.

DR. BROWN: Really? Where was he?

DELIA: The gas tank.

DR. BROWN: I knew it.

[Delia joins her father on the couch and snuggles up next to him.]

DELIA: Magilla says that it's just a coincidence.

DR. BROWN: Mmm. That reminds me of something your mom used to say. She said that coincidence was just God's way of preserving physics.

DELIA: What's that mean?

DR. BROWN: You got me. She was awful pretty.

[He kisses her on the forehead. Ephram walks past, in the background.]

DR. BROWN: Hey. We're doing snacks and ah...

DELIA: Black Beauty.

DR. BROWN: You wanna watch?

EPHRAM: No thanks. I got something I gotta take care of.

[He walks out.]

[Cut to Ephram knocking on the Abbotts' door. Dr. Abbott answers.]

DR. ABBOTT: You! Why do you look as though you're about to vomit?

EPHRAM: 'Cause I might.

DR. ABBOTT: [over his shoulder] Amy! [to Ephram] Remain outside, please.

AMY: [off-screen] Coming!

DR. ABBOTT: Your father didn't happen to mention anything about me, did he? Perhaps something he read in the paper?

EPHRAM: Ah, not that I know of. My dad doesn't really do the Pinecone though.

DR. ABBOTT: Oh.

[Amy approaches the door. She's toweling her hair.]

AMY: Well well, the warrior is back from his vision quest. Did you find your spirit animal? Let me guess, you're a... marmot.

EPHRAM: I have to talk to you for a minute. You're gonna be really pissed, but please, hear me out before you hate me.

AMY: Go on.

EPHRAM: We made spaghettios, in the woods. Sandwiches, too but I-I-I took the spaghettio can and put it right in the fire which, I got started by the way. I-I-I stacked up the kindling like a, a triangle or a...

AMY: Ephram.

EPHRAM: Yeah?

AMY: Start again.

EPHRAM: Right. Right. Hi.

AMY: Hi.

EPHRAM: Thing is, I lied to you. I fixed it, but I lied. You asked me to ask my dad to help Colin. I said I did, but I didn't.

[Amy doesn't look impressed.]

EPHRAM: See, my problem is, and this is really just one of a whole bus load. I lost my home recently, I-I can't get it back. I-I-It took climbing a mountain for me to realize this. But, you were right. I came to Everwood and I'm just coasting. I haven't made anything for myself here... except you. You're what makes this home to me. I was afraid if my dad helped Colin, I'd lose all that. But, but I get it. I mean, it takes me a while but, but I catch up. Colin is your home.

[Amy looks sad.]

EPHRAM: So, I asked my dad to help him. He's gonna look at him tomorrow. Not that that in anyway makes up for anything I've done but... i-it's happening. I am sorry.

[Amy just stares at him in disbelief.]

AMY: [quietly] OK.

[She slowly closes the door.]

EPHRAM: OK.

[The song, "Golden Slumbers" by Ben Folds, begins playing.]

LYRICS: Once there was a way... to get back home. Once there was a way... to get back home, sleep pretty darling, do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby.

[Ephram notices the paper lying on the footpath and reads it.]

NARRATOR: Like the man with the printing press said, at some point we all have something we just have to do. The gear spins. Sometimes the gear gets you what you want, sometimes it pushes it even further away. Either way, you have to respect the machine.

[Ephram walks away, reading the paper.]

LYRICS: ...to get back home, sleep pretty darling do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby.

[The camera pans around revealing Julia sitting at the table with Dr. Brown, Ephram, and Delia. Fade to black.]


Fade Out:
End of episode.